Tsutanai
by That Buggy Girl
Summary: Tsutanai: Unlucky. Kamatari angst from the first person point of view. 'And all I can say is goodnight.' [warning: shonen ai, OC, death - COMPLETE]
1. winter

(Winter)

I come to you, another snowy day, seeking comfort in your arms.

You always beg me to quit, even though you don't know what it is I do. You've never once questioned a single wound. Instead, you lovingly administered bandages and ointments, always pressing your lips gently to the injury, always whispering sweet words of sorrow.

Yuki. Your name means "luck." How is it then that you are so unlucky to have fallen in love with me? You must know my heart belongs to another, yet you still maintain your love for me. You look after me, care for me, protect me.

As if I need protecting.

When you're finished with the wounds, we make sweet love, tumbling across the crisp sheets of your western style bed. I never tire of having you in me; of giving me what he won't. I suppose I do feel something for you, if not love. Why else would I keep coming back? If I just wanted sex, I could have a different lover every night.

Your kisses are soft and slow. You always make me cry. I don't know why; but I cry every time. Perhaps it's because I don't feel for you what I should and I know I'm treating you exactly how he treats me. Perhaps I feel sorry…I never mean to hurt you, but I know I do.

After, you always hold me protectively, curling around behind me. When we lay there, sated, I feel something more for you…Perhaps it's love; I guess I'll never know. I lean into your chest, basking in your warmth, and you nuzzle against my neck. I feel calm afterwards. Is this, perhaps, closer to love?

You always wait until after to tell me "I love you."

And all I can say is "goodnight."


	2. spring

(spring)

I remember how you thought I was a woman and dismissed my flirting when I saw you in town. It used to confuse me; no man could resist my charms. I guess it wounded my pride. Then we ran into each other at that bath house and there was no way I could venture into the women's bath, no matter how convincing I looked in a kimono…

You told me that when you saw me that way, it was love at first sight.

I pitied you.

I told you I couldn't love you. You said you'd wait forever. You seemed so happy…I didn't want to contradict you, so I stopped telling you otherwise.

You're sitting on the porch, watching the fireflies. You think I'm asleep -making love always wears me out- but I'm watching your silhouette through the rice paper door. Some part of me loves to see you sitting there. Solitary. Beautiful. I love the way your glossy hair falls around your face, the way your clothing hangs on your slender frame. You're a beautiful man; I don't deserve some one like you.

I think you're one of the few truly good people I've ever met in my life.

I don't understand why you want me, but then, you don't know about my dark life…You only see the care-free man who wants to be a woman and likes pretty things. You always laugh when I show off new clothes and tell me I'm such a woman. You tell me I'm beautiful; I smile and accept the compliment, even though I know it should be I who's saying you're beautiful.

You slide into bed behind me, wrapping me in your arms and whispering those three little words.

I wonder if it bothers you that I'll be gone before you wake.


	3. summer

(summer)

It's hot; we go swimming in a river just outside Kyoto. I've never swam in the moonlight before, but you tell me it will be fun.

Seeing you this way, Yuki, you're like an apparition. Moonlight bathes your body in liquid silver as you strip off your yukata and kick your sandals into the long grass on the bank. The sight of you there, clothed only in moonbeams as you wade into the silvery water sends shivers up and down my spine. Your image bends and contorts with the ripples, but your beauty cannot be broken by even the chilling water.

"Kamatari…" My name rolls of your tongue and I know I must have you, here, in the grass beside the river.

Never before have I had you; it was always the other way around. But suddenly, seeing you there, so ethereal, so unearthly, I want you all around me. I want to take you to the place to which you seem to spirit me every night.

I want to claim you the very way you've claimed me.

Kami-sama, I think I love you.

There are tears in your eyes as I take you for the first time; tears which role uninhibited down pale cheeks. I endeavor to kiss away the pain; I remember how much it hurts. I tell you you're beautiful; tell you I'm sorry; tell you anything but what I really want to say. Here, under the watchful gaze of the blue moon, I want to tell you that you are my heart…And that scares me more than anything.

Holding you now, I know I'll never want to let go, even though my loyalties must lie elsewhere. How am I going to leave you? I have to get back before dawn.

How could I let this happen?


	4. fall

(fall)

Can you feel the change in the air?

I think you can; you always snuggle closer, drawing our bodies together to keep warm. Sometimes, you're so close I can feel your lips forming the words you whisper against my skin. "I love you."

I asked you, once, why you only say it after we've made love. You told me it seemed wrong to say it any other time; wrong to tell me when I was a woman and being false to myself. When we are in bed together, you said quietly, I am who I was meant to be.

You run your fingers through my hair, pushing it back from my face as your mouth claims mine, tongues twining together in a beautiful ballet. Your kisses are intoxicating; have I ever told you? You treat me the way I wish he would; yet I only want this from you. He could never be gentle; it would be wrong for him to treat me like this.

This evening, we stay curled together, I with my head rested on your chest, listening to the steady beat of your heart. You're stroking my hair; whispering promises of our future, and I can feel my heart breaking. My future is already mapped out for me, and it doesn't include you. I know it's only a matter of time before this will end; he's starting to wonder where I go every night…

I love coming to see you; you make me good. It's as if you purify me from inside out; you wash the blood from my hands. You don't know this, of course, and you never will, but it's a comfort just being with you here. I know what I do is wrong.

Maybe it's not the air.

Maybe it's a change in me.


	5. winter 2

(winter)

Last night, when I came to you with cracked ribs caused by the ball and chain on my own weapon, as you bound the bruised flesh, you tearfully begged me to run away with you. I'm coming with more serious wounds and you're getting more fretful. So you had…

"Whatever it is; I don't care! Please, Kamatari…You're going to destroy yourself…"

I said I couldn't.

But now, I'm hurrying to your home. I spent all day thinking about it; I'm ready to give it up. I'm bursting to tell you; my Yuki, I love you. I want to be with you. Let's run away.

My world comes screaming to a stop when I reach your door.

Blood in the snow.

Bloody footprints trailing down the path.

I don't want to go inside, but I have to. I must know your fate.

There is blood everywhere.

My heart stops.

There you are, a once beautiful man, crumpled in a heap on the floor. Your clothes; your skin; it's all stained with blood. Your hair gleams red in the darkness. Kami-sama; you've been gutted; brutally murdered. Usui, that bastard! I can tell this is his handiwork…

"Ka…ma…" Sweet Buddha in heaven; you're still alive! You won't be for long…There's no undoing what's been done. I gather you in my arms, holding you against my heart, not caring that your blood is now seeping into my clothes. "Ai…shiteru…"

I love you. I want to say it in return, but the words catch in my throat and come out a mangled sob. Tears pour from my eyes; I'm sorry I ever got you into this mess, sorry; it was my fault; I should have told you…

I kiss your bloody mouth, whispering the only word I can manage…

"Goodnight."

I think you understand.


End file.
